I never called myself a fan. The thought of being that screaming girl with a banner full of hearts and delusional messages raised frantically in the air makes me cringe. It makes me feel like a cat wanting to scratch every wooden furniture and curtain in the house.
(Ask my brother, he knows this very well.)
And yet, I am in love, so in love with a thing called “Future”.
I love it because first, it seems that it loves me too. It loves me in a way that it embraces me with warm arms and it gives me more: it gives me the honors to paint in whatever shape and color I want it to be. It loves me because it gives itself to me. It gives me freedom and at the same time, a very lasting relationship. It gives me authority to think and imagine beyond any limit I see. It gives meaning to where I am and where I’ve been. It tells me many tales of reason and from here, being with it, I see myself slowly believing and having faith again. It loves me like that.
The future loves me so much that I remember talking with one of my students in class about this movie whose leading character was a kickass panda.
I cannot remember how our conversation led to this but she told me that she values the present so much that she loves one line from this movie. This time, it was told by a slow-moving animal.
My student (who was actually a decade older than me) pointed out that she loves the present because well, to write it the way I love the Future, it gives her what she has now. She has a family; she has friends; and together they all have beautiful moments. She certainly lives in the present and I live there too, in the cold arms of today, longing for my other love.
And today, I realized that indeed, the future loves me. It loves me so much that it has been waiting for me all day and all cold, lonely nights alone. It has been waiting for me to learn to walk towards it after I learn that the present is actually my Mom. It’s a mother that’s been teaching me all about me, my own warmth, my unique importance, my mistakes, my growth. It’s actually many important things and how childish of me to always glance at the future without really ever being in love with the present first.
It’s probably because the present has never been convenient and easy. It has never been dreamy and full of carousels starting when our family had to move from house to house to house. It has never been what I wanted ever since the circumstances kicked in and they were actually an entire army ready to ruin our life. It’s probably because “Mom” was that calloused, with tired eye bags and untidy hair being teaching us all these lessons because she knows we are, still are, in ten years or more, not yet ready for the future that we want. The PRESENT were those many days before which was ready and willing to look dirty and very unlovable just so we could be who we are and will be.
And now, this is who I am today.
And I am thankful.
And I am without regret. At all.
I am loved. My Present loved me so unconditionally that it has now become my PAST and it continues to die in every red circle on the calendar.
Yet, I am still torn and disgusted; I am still glancing with teary eyes at the FUTURE.
It disgusts me that it is only now that I realized that yes, the future has been waiting for me all these many years and my present has been whispering dearly in my ears,
to be in Future’s arms”.