I have many questions, so many questions that I can actually create a planet out of them.
I’ll call it Planet Disturbed or Planet Big, Giant Maze or Planet Hallways all the Way.
What I do know about questions is that first, we all long for answers and answers come in different costumes. Sometimes, they look so safe and friendly. Other times, I just can’t see if the answer is a tree or a mountain. Probably, just a cupcake.
There were answers that I got when I gulped, stood up and faced this world, when I challenged life and showed myself as a hero. It was a grueling time but the answer was definitely either a YELLING YES or a NODDING NO!
And then there’s this time, a time I’d compare to a dark night, heavy rain pouring, where you just can’t check if the sun is coming because hey, it’s NIGHT TIME!
I have three major dreams today, and I, being desperately dead tired of waiting will tell you (Please take good care of my cute, little secret):
1. I want to resign from my current job.
2. I wish for our family to move to a better house…and place.
3. I want to dedicate my next days, years and…well, my entire life to writing, arts and every dream I plan to achieve.
I. am. determined.
But you know, He answers in ways that shatter my logic to pieces, crushes my heart like a bird feeding on worms and other times, like a gentle pat on the shoulder in a cool, autumn day. I can rarely remember Him giving me an obvious, no-need-to-analyze answer. At times, it was as if He threw many clues along the same streets I’ve memorized by mere vehicle movement, on traffic lights that ever go red, yellow and green, on people and their little remarks, and on things that suddenly happen to which another decision has to be made. And those clues only make everything harder to understand, to accept and to acknowledge.
I’m sure He knows how determined I am. He knows how tired I am of this current circumstance I’m in but even though I know that He knows, my feeble heart just can’t take it anymore. I continue walking and I just can’t help it: I feel like I’m in Planet Disturbed, in Planet Big, Giant Maze, in Planet Hallways All the Way.
And so yesterday night, on my way home from work, it rained. It was heavy! It was the type that holding an umbrella looked so foolish and very illogical. My pants were drenched and when I came home, they were crying. I told Him that the rainy season has come and “Lo and behold!”, the rainy season gives me hatred for all the flood, wet walls and slippery floors that it causes. I have even more hatred for how the rain makes it feel like I’m still outside, in the angry-pouring rain right INSIDE OUR BROKEN HOUSE! Yes, the rain literally pours even in our house.
I actually love the rain, I LOVED IT BEFORE . But things would just happen – like flood consuming the entire first floor of your very old, temporary house – and it changes you like love promised to be broken.
And my wish, my one true wish as I check the weather forecast today and for the entire week is that when the dark clouds roll in and the rain drops start to dot the road, I wish that there will be a smile on my face and a soft kind of excitement at the thought that I can huddle on a chair by the window again, with my fingers holding a warm mug of hot chocolate.
I want to know exactly when would I be coming home after yet another day at work… when would I be knocking on that small wooden door and be greeted by parents saying, “KAYCE! You can resign now!!!”
I want to know exactly when would I be packing the last set of boxes before the truck comes to pick up every necessary and sentimental thing that we’ll bring with us to our next home.
I want to know exactly when would I be saying goodbye to my colleagues.
I want to know the date, my very last day in front of the computer I used for more than 2 years now.
I want to know every logical thing that I can consume because in life, reality floods the garden colored with tulips and butterflies and bees. Reality floods even the whitest, snow-covered mountains and then, you just do not want to see pastel colors but jet black numbers and Red-Sharpie-circled-dates on the calendar that says “2014“.
I want to know the important details because part of me believes that if there is one assurance – logical and yes, 100% sure – that I can keep at the back of my fantasy-loaded mind and my ever dream-filled heart, I know that I can walk longer and totally stronger than having a bag filled with gold-plated question bars.
And yet, there’s a gentle voice that bothers me at night, while I’m chewing rice, and when I’m talking with my family in that living room with only candle lights. It says that after all, I still am walking, even with those gold-plated questions bars. I nod to that. And then it says, “What if I tell you that the day you’re praying for is on July 30, 2016 which is two years from now?” I nod again and feel the muscles above my eyes tightening. NO WAY! TWO MORE YEARS?! NO! NEVER! And yet it speaks again, “What if I simply tell you that it’s somewhere near and that it will be beautiful and perfect that way…that there are just a few more walks to take…just.. a few more?” I nod again.
I think about it. REALLY WELL!
I guess, I have to keep on walking.
And we all call that FAITH.