I was excited! Very excited!
Before that very moment, I decided to be this girl who gives life a blanked face not because I was without expectations, dreams, or little wishes; I was just being careful. I was being careful to expect and be disappointed once again. For the millionth time. These many years have been about things being brewed only to be thrown into the trash bin. I kept on believing that somewhere in the future, things would happen and things will turn better. I’ve been to those futures: things changed but I just can’t convince myself that things went better.
I was always disappointed by reality – a reality that just won’t oblige to be friendlier. I told myself that I’d be more careful else, I might lose trust to the very thing I’m actually given: life (and every good thing in it).
So I accepted things more carefully. When I hear about potential great things knocking on the door, I listen but I control myself. I don’t let my mind wander too much about how that thing can change the future. I do not ask too many questions about that thing: what it is, how it can change things, how small or big it is, when it would be finalized, when it would come. I just let the days pass by. If it comes, then it comes. If it comes then that is when I’ll celebrate.
I heard about such things many times. In my record, NONE of them happened. They were all just brewed but not served. They were only painted but not placed in a museum. They were stirred but hey, we got the wrong recipe book! They were talked about; only talked about.
But this time, it was different. Everything felt more capable of being real. And so, I, this girl who tried so hard to respond to this world with a blanked face, finally gave in. I started to look at the sky again. I was again that daydreamer who loves to walk the streets with imaginings happening in her head as reality went by. I started searching up for a house we can move to, a beautiful one, of course. If there is one wish that our family holds dearly onto now, it’s to move to another house and embrace a new beginning. We’ve been hopping from one house to another and dear, the circumstances have only gotten worse and worse. Whenever we would move, to us, it’s a new chapter and we wish and pray for it to be a better one. ALL THE TIME. We never got that wish.
And so, I found a house and I loved it. I love how it’s a balance of cement and glass. I loved how the second floor has a balcony that gives the illusion that the house extends to the streets. I love the view of wide spaces and places; It makes my creative mind tick. It is perfect for me. In my mind, I was already owning it: decorating its spaces, creating a work space near the living room, dancing in front of the glass doors, watching movies and TV shows with my brother with loud speakers, cooking with my family in the kitchen. My family and I enthusiastically talked about moving as if it will happen in a few days.
And I felt like a fool again. Here I go again, letting myself be enveloped in excitement only to see reality. It’s because nothing has changed. Not yet and I don’t really know if they will. I and my minuscule mind can only hear updates about things being brewed again and hold onto whatever there is; I can only hold onto the hope that things would eventually and finally happen. I can only hold onto this little faith and walk forward to see if this time, IT’S TIME.
Reality says, there’s a process to go through. There are people to decide whether this thing should be done or not. There are those who has the money, those who would nod if the deal is for us all. There are documents to be signed. There are rules to be followed. There are days that shall pass without a word. There is a possibility for this to be rejected. We are all waiting.
We are waiting again, just like before, just like a month ago, just like last year. JUST LIKE EVERY YEAR I CAN REMEMBER. So, I’m standing at the bridge contemplating if I would jump and imprint a permanent blanked face on my face or fly and for the last time see IF this is the time we have all been waiting for.
There is fear in me. Fear that we will still be in this old, aging house for the rest of the year. I fear that I will still be stuck in the same job, same situation, same place and same choices. I fear that I would again transport to work through flooded streets with boots that don’t help at all. I fear that this year would be hauntingly similar to last year and year 2012.
I have many fears and I am being honest.
We all have many fears and those who have courage stand at this same bridge that I am at, staring at every monster face-to-face. Here, fear and doubt stirs the wind. There is great tension and a great question. But questions usually already have answers in the minds of those who asked. And my answer is, “I have a tiny, little, cute faith that is actually so persistent it just won’t stop daydreaming about decorating that house.”