Most people who are older than me surprisingly told me that up until now, now that many things have happened in their lives, now that they have tried many things, and now that they have overcame many difficulties, still don’t know where they really want to be and what they want to be. They told me many times that they are just dancing with the wind. They told me that they will know when to step further. They told me that now, the best option is to wait for an opportunity. They told me that for now, they are okay with where they are. They are
As for me, I have always been this kid who always knew where she wants to walk through; who always knew what she wants to be; who always cried at night because she is still not what she has been dreaming to be.
I always clearly knew the destination I’m living towards to. And then, I knew another thing, that I was wrong.
That’s because I only knew what I thought was best, grand, and most-fitting for me in the opinion of my younger selves. When I was in high school, my eyes and heart were all set on Fashion. I was dreaming of sewing dresses and gowns, of taking an Entrepreneurship course specializing in Fashion Design at a college I branded as my “dream school”. I was dreaming of shining in school and eventhough it’s quite embarrassing, I even dreamt of being school president!
The plan was clear. I took Entrance examinations at different universities and I passed them all. Of course, my dream school at that time included. It all looked so clear and full of hope. It seemed that all the stars at the sky were giving me a thumbs up sign; that everything was going smoothly. Just a few weeks before school started, I found myself not yet enrolled at any university. I found myself moving to another place with my family because things went really bad. I saw myself not wearing a school uniform, not carrying a school bag and just staying at home for months, a whole semester, and a few years. I found myself working at places I and most people never thought I’ll ever be.
After a few years, I realized that Fashion isn’t my first and top love. I realized that succeeding in the fashion industry will not make me satisfied. It was, I thought, a rather small world. I grew up and together with me, my dreams grew up as well. I realized that writing is what keeps me breathing. I want to write words and worlds! I was finally able to enter college with a new set of batchmates but not taking Fashion; I was taking Liberal Arts major in English. This, of course, wasn’t exactly my plan. My plan was to take Journalism at another university which I branded “dream school” again. Once again, life had its whirlwinds and I had to settle to a university that wasn’t known at all. I found myself choosing a course that I thought was closest to Journalism. In my freshman year, I found joy despite the circumstances being far from my ideal life. It was hard. I realized that writing for a magazine or newspaper will actually bore me. I realized that there’s a different kind of writing I wanted to do. And writing isn’t the only thing I want and can do. Those days made me feel like I’m starting all over again and I’m starting from such a low ground but it was all full of smiles and memories. I found myself as a person who actually grew stronger. I found myself getting surprised by my own self.
And just when I’m starting to like where life was heading me, a tornado turned everything around. I had to say goodbye to my classmates. I had to go to the battlefield again and work, this time as a teacher. Yes, a teacher right when I was still a student. Oh, how ironic life can be. Those years were significant though. They were significant because that’s when I realized many things about life and myself. I realized that life will take you where its best for you to be as long as you follow its compass. I realized that I was already capable of bigger things. I realized that sometimes, your best plans are just “best plans for the moment”. One day, you’ll wake up and see that where you are is no longer the best for today. It’s time to move on, usually to a greater and bigger world. I realized that it is unnecessary to follow the world’s tradition. It was okay not to follow the “graduate from college then find a good job” idealism. I realized that every person has a different journey and mine doesn’t have to be similar to everyone else’s. I will be alright. Whatever the road is, what matters is that I’m walking and walking and walking towards the destination that I now clearly know.
A destination I now clearly know. Clearer than when I was a working student back in year 2010. Clearer than when I was a high school student so full of whimsical thoughts and a hope unstoppable by any reality there is. Clearer than when I only knew my dreams and nothing else. I now know that my destination is bigger than I have thought and will ever think. I can think of the best but my thoughts are surely just souls in a rather tiny box. Life is far grander than the universe. And it’s far wider than the universe of my thoughts, musings, and imaginings.
I grew up and some dreams have indeed left not because they were wrong but because they are no longer right.
I grew up and some dreams have gotten smaller not because they are no longer important but because they are no longer the priority; they are just significant extras that will make the bigger picture.
I grew up and some dreams grew bigger not because they were ignored before but because, I myself grew up and knew myself all the more.
I knew a little bit more of what I am, what I can become and what can happen and then, what ever dreams fit those things.
I grew up and some dreams left me.
I grew up and some dreams stayed with me.
I’m no longer wary that my plans didn’t go exactly the way I thought them.
And if I plan today and see that it doesn’t happen exactly as I want it to be, I’ll be alright.
Because it is the best for me.