The problem with numbers. And the sweet thing about them.

Today is September 7, 2013 and I am glad that the “ber-months” have finally arrived. This is probably my favorite time of the year as it marks three really good things: my birthday, Christmas and a new year.

It’s around 9 in the evening and I feel that at some point, I spent the day productively. My conversation with my brother dear was really funny, full of sense and uplifting.

I am a 22 year old girl who is bombarded with so many dreams and a series of unfortunate happenings at the same time. I already had a destination in mind – a clear and serious one – right when everybody was still getting to know how the world works, when everybody was still discovering that most friendships end and when everybody was still all games, experimentation and fun.

I am ONE girl who feels that with her small, tiny thoughts which can be positive, creative, unique, a little crazy sometimes, caring, and honest, she can somehow transform the world and make it a little better because “a little better” can be significant, life-changing and sometimes, eternal.

I am a 5-feet flat or shorter-than-that-girl who wants to dare every door she sees in front of her because she knows that she, even in her little frame of hers, can command a league of other hopefuls and start a new generation which can be purer, more effective, right, and better.

I am a person in her early 20’s who has listed many plans on her book. Ones that she wants to see soon; ones that she wants to touch in the future; ones that she wants to see rising from dreamland to reality.

Numbers. It is year 2013.

22 years have walked by me.

The problem with numbers is that they make you believe in lies. Lies like “You haven’t done enough”. Lies like “You are getting old. You don’t have much time.” Lies like “People think you are too young for what you CAN actually do.” Lies like “You do not have enough to be able to do what you wish to do.” Lies like “You are too skinny or fat to be where you can be.” Lies like “Time is running fast; you are too slow to chase it.”

Numbers can be easy to believe because they are facts. Numbers are easy to accept because they come in forms of physical realities which are far more clearer than ideas, dreams, hope and visions. Numbers are things that can only be dealt by acceptance and most of the time, a whole lot of courage.

I have always been worried of numbers probably because in me are a number of many good things that I wish to do in such a time considered early by my own lifetime. Many times, I tried to get out of the box, out of the line, out of the circumstances but in that universe, all that was real always found a way to collide ones again and trap me in what they call “the present”. 

Numbers can be such monsters. They haunt you when you see the mirror, the calendar, the clock, the people around you, the money in your wallet, the electric bill, the school grades, the leaves in the wind and the sheep in your sleep. Numbers can be such mockery to your beliefs which you long have fought for just so you could believe in what you want to believe and live for.

Numbers have always managed to stay by my side; to make me worry; to make me doubt; to make me sleepless with many thoughts at night; to make me shake in desperation; to make me exhausted in waiting and to make me feel that I have lost against my own self.

Numbers are hard to shake hands with.

My birthday is coming. Another number will be added to my years. Usually, I feel happy about the celebration of another year spent. On the other hand, I also usually feel like I’m getting older. And by that, I feel torn apart because reality is still unsatisfying compared to my dreams and how I wish my world to be. 

But then, today, there is excitement somewhere in me. It’s a little feeling and I feel that this time, it’s pure. Pure excitement. Maybe, just maybe, this time, I have more hope for the next year. I have more hope with the thought that I am turning 23. I have more hope that this age might be where miracles, ideas, dreams, and wishes will all finally start colliding and sprinkling bright colors at the night sky. I have more hope that by this age, I might finally find myself being able to do what I have always thought and imagined myself doing. This might be my significant year. This might be where it all starts.

I hope it does.

For numbers aren’t always problems.

At times, they become our best friend. Numbers know when it’s time. Numbers know when the ticking of the clock finally means “Go!” or “Start!” or “Excelsior!” Numbers know exactness. Numbers can command things to swing to and from so that it transforms your world into a reality beyond your very thoughts. Numbers will also shake hands when they are commanded by their Master to kneel before you because you are actually an heir and this whole world is made for you.

Numbers know when it’s time.

Numbers know when.

Numbers know exactly when.

Numbers know.

They simply know. 

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